up to chance; boy edition

(special thanks to solstice because i don't know anything about technology)
       

      i have never written about a boy, let alone multiple.
i don't trust myself enough for that, the line between too cheesy & too personal isn't thick enough to test;
ultimately, i don't know how to feel, and as a result i don't know how to write. (about boys.  i'll write about anything else, honestly).

(listen while you read - full playlist here).

not sure if this even follows the prompt this week but hey, i'm curious.

dear boys,
it all depends on my ipod shuffle.
sorry.


 BOY #1 
you're interesting, you're different, but in a good way i think.  we've hungout once.  we've snapchatted more.  i called you by your last name and it really bugged you, sorry.  i'm still interested in your notions.  i remember the first time your eyes found my face as you were talking.
  first song after hitting shuffle: no one's gonna love you - band of horses.
          "no one is ever gonna love you more than i do,
          & anything to make you smile,
          it is a better side of you to admire"
what can i give to you ? what do you need from me ? what can i teach you ? i don't even know your middle name.
i don't know what this means.


 BOY #2
i think i've known you longer than i've known myself.  if i didn't know better, i'd say that God had the same idea when designing us both.  you're my best friend, your grandpa really wants us to get married, i think i may have forgotten your favorite color.
  first song after hitting shuffle: hunting my dress - jesca hoop.
       "you're the one who showed to me the sky,
         it is so much more than you and i
         and darling, i wish i had the time"
well, shit.  i thought i was fairly certain on this one.
i don't know what this means.


 BOY #3
we went on a date in september and i still think about you.  sometimes i take the long way to class so maybe i can glance your way.  it's polar opposites: either you pretend you don't see me or you tell me (seemingly) exactly what's on your mind.  i'm pretty fearless and you're pretty reserved; what do you think of me ? i still remember all your favorite snacks.
  first song after hitting shuffle: i saw lightning - telekinesis.
         "i wanna care for you when you are all alone,
          sit inside our house and unplug all our phones
          watching raindrops stream down on our windowsill,
          let's be in love."
well, i can't think of a more terrifying song than this.  maybe all i can start with is being unapologetically and unconditionally kind: everyone needs that, right ?
i don't know what this means.


 BOY #4
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'msorryi'msorryi'msorry that i don't feel the same way.  i'll be your friend as well as i can be, and i'm not trying to play with you, i swear.  i just don't know what my friendly wave and my friendlier smile mean to you.  i still remember every time you told me i was beautiful.
  first song after hitting shuffle: the girl - city and colour.
         "i wish i could do better by you,
          'cause that's what you deserve"
i think this is how you feel, and i'm sorry.  the heart wants what the heart wants, and i'm not going to change my mind.
you're just my friend, and i don't know what this means to you.


 BOY #5
i only like you when i'm with you.  is that wrong ? i'm sorry, maybe i've just known you for too long and i don't see you enough.  maybe i'm just addicted to the way you adore me.  maybe it's because i still remember all the times i've made you laugh so hard that you cried.
  first song after hitting shuffle: silhouettes - of monsters and men.
         "cause when i sing, you shout
          i breathe out loud, you bleed,
          we crawl like animals
          but when it's over, i'm still awake.
          (a thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest,
          no matter where i sleep, you are haunting me)."
this is a tangled mess.  i need to draw the line; i've known you since we were born.  we always have been and always will be friends. just friends ?
i still don't know what this means.


 BOY #6
i know you love my mind and i know you love my teal dress, so just talk to me dammit.  i'll admit, i thought about you once while writing on a napkin in a thai restaurant, and i thought about you a few more times a month before preference.  nothing ever became of either of those things, and i can't decide if i'm sorry.  neither of us know what we're missing.  so if you're curious, talk to me in person; because heaven knows i've tried that with you.
  first song after hitting shuffle: angel mom - jesca hoop.
this isn't even a love song, and maybe that's how it's supposed to be. but next time you see me, still tell me what you think.  don't type it and publish it where i can only see your words and not your eyes.  tell me.
(loving me,
and loving the idea of me,
are two very different things).
i don't know what this means.


 BOY #7
i mean it when i say we've been everything.  we've been friends, we've been lovers, we've been in between, we've been places that we shouldn't and we've been everywhere that we should.  i'm your best friend and you mean more to me than whatever song can tell me you do.
  first song after hitting shuffle: the house that jack built - jesca hoop.
         "it's not enough,
           it's not enough,
           it's not enough to know you through them."
ironic that this is a song i've been thinking about showing you for a while now ?  i guess, here you go.
i'm so glad i've gotten to know you: all of you.  not through others and not even through my own interpretations - but all that you are: raw.
i think i'd be lying if i told you i don't know what this means.



re-stitched, freshly cut, hastily shredded, torn, patched, new, old, and lopsided loves to you all,
   
           (your) emily.

(i still don't know what any of this means)